MAYDAY

 

 After all the self-care, physical and mental well-being I've been focused on for the past month and a half, how fitting that I'd have a challenging mental health day on the first day of May. Being that it's Mental Health Awareness Month. It wasn't just out of nowhere though. A build up of pushing down what I would deem as "negative emotions" perhaps caused me to pop today.

 

 As previously mentioned, I had been really focused on my health in all aspects for a little over a month. A much-needed visit to a new primary care doctor really made me realize how much I had been neglecting myself and I was ready to start making my well-being more of a priority the best I could.

 

  I didn't realize that perhaps I was putting all my focus into that endeavor to the point of not allowing myself to have challenging days. Days where I might feel more depressed, sad, angry. Days where I would have PTSD flashbacks or feel triggered. Perhaps it was my illogical logic that made me have unrealistic expectations of "since I'm making these positive changes, I won't feel negative emotions or have 'bad' thoughts anymore." Even though I kept telling myself that making these changes made dealing with stress more manageable than before.

 

  In the past, before making these changes, I was having a lot issues with insomnia, anxiety, depression, PTSD. Not sleeping definitely creates an environment of being less equipped to handle these stresses.

 

 This last week, I had a great week on paper. I got to hang out with my favorite person, eat great food and even do some fun activities, but there was a certain traumatic memory that kept popping back up in my head. The more I tried to push it away, the more intensely I would remember and feel the emotions of ten year old V. It was like I was that child again and I hated it.

 

 I kept telling myself "Look at all the changes you've made to NOT feel like this? Why are you feeling this? You are in control now. Why are you letting this control you? Why are you letting the cruelty of others, who you refuse to speak to anymore control you." I kept getting increasingly angry at myself for feeling that way when I had felt like I had done so much work to not feel like this.

 

  So today, when my alarm did not go off at the time I had been working so hard to build a routine around; waking up and going to bed by a set time is something I had rarely ever done in the past; It set me off. I was in a terrible mood. I saw it as "holes" in my meticulously planned out routine that I've been trying so religiously to stick to. When in reality, it was a result of pushing down feelings throughout this week that in the past, would have perhaps coped with the aid of substances. I use the term cope loosely. We could replace that with escape from.

 

 I took out my anger and frustration on my partner first thing (which I apologized to them for). To be honest, I didn't even wake up that late. I usually wake up before the alarm most days and such was the case today. The clock was an hour slower than the actual time, I thought I could sleep in or lay in bed a bit longer. The rest of the day, every minor inconvenience and mistake made me so upset with myself. Which then also added to the sensory processing issues I was having too.  

 

 The reality is that there are good days and challenging days. There is no magical, quick fix that will just make trauma go away and it's important to give ourselves grace. To allow ourselves that safe space to have those feelings.

 

  Taking care of ourselves should be the bare minimum. A given. A human right. But for many of us, we're not taught to take care of ourselves, treat our bodies like temples or have healthy boundaries. In my case, I had to sacrifice these aspects, in order to survive a very toxic childhood environment. So what may be very basic day to day practices for many, is something that I have to be very conscious of and try very hard to achieve on a daily basis.

 

  It's easier said than done, but try to go easy on yourself. I often give advice that I need to take myself. Some days may be harder than others, but it's important to identify when we're having difficult emotions. Sometimes, the ones that are more challenging to process, perhaps call for us to lean into them more. To allow ourselves to fully feel the pain. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned in the discomfort? Perhaps there is strength to be gained there.